Monday, December 15, 2008

Feelings

Sad. That's how I feel. Why? I'm single and lonely and not satisfied with who I am. Yeah, "just do me, focus on me, myself, and what needs to get done," is what I always tell myself and is what I'm always doing and its sad for me. Being a teenager is hard and knowing its possible that it will and might get tougher just sucks.
I wish I could have a partner to share my happiness with other than my close friends. I only have so much love to offer and want more love in return. I don't know, one day and soon hopefully. 2009 is coming up and I'm hoping its a good year. It only gets bad before it gets better right? Because 2007 was the worst and 2008 wasn't any better. Either way I guess I will make it better. 2007 was a sad struggle, moving to Temecula and then back. Its fucking wack my dad lost the house and a business. I think it all just happened too fast. And the year my cousin past away. Really sad like I said. Here comes 2008, I felt like my brain wasn't even there and my body was just living in the presence. So much drama and disappointment. I fell behind in school and only had myself to blame in the end. I was really sad and cried when I didn't graduate on time. I remember Dinah tripping one day talking about not being able to graduate but she had things worked out. She was telling me how she was crying and making it seem like she was more stressed out and cried harder than I did. But how she felt cannot even compare and I hate how she makes it seems like she has it really bad when really there are other people who have it worse. -I hope she knows that. I fucking lost it when I got the bad news. Was upset and cried all day. I'm the youngest of 3 kids, my brother was the major problem and didn't even make it to high school, as for my sister I don't know what went wrong with her all I guess I know is she doesn't have a diploma. All I ever wanted to do was make my Mother proud of me and happy, that for 18 fucking years of putting up with my cattyness I accomplished something she didn't get the opportunity to do and I did. W/e the past is the past and I am a high school graduate with a diploma attending college.
Back to the reason for writing this..
I'm just sad. Seeing pictures of couples happy and smiling, hugging, kisses on the cheek just makes me envy them because they have something I want; LOVE. Someone to watch a movie with and fall asleep to. Cuddle and hold hands and just have the feeling of knowing that you're being liked back in a special way. Tell that special person that they are beautiful and really mean a lot. I feel so heartless. This totally sucks ass. I wish i didn't have feelings. But what kinda person would I be then? Definitely not who I am now.... I just wonder what went wrong? I liked him, A LOT & I know he liked me back, it was showing. WHAT WENT WRONG? I guess I totally suck at dating and need help. Ugh.. We went out together to the movies, to eat, shop, walk around, smoke, drink. Fuck! I have no idea. I don't know if I am going to get over this, it sure as hell doesn't feel like I am any time soon. Like I said "the past is the past and in the beginning there is struggle but in the end you have progress."